In a way it seems totally surreal to even type those words because if you had told me 27 months ago that we would still be waiting, I am sure I wouldn't have believed it. But then in another way, it seems completely real because I have felt the weight (and the "wait") of every single one of the past 27 months.
I have the felt the emotional burden of waiting for our daughter. The mental challenge of thinking through all the many unknowns. The daily spiritual battle against discouragement. I think after 27 months that almost anyone would be a little bit weary.
But yet, in my weakness and weariness, I have felt the most beautiful thing. I feel the Lord taking my burdens and carrying them for me. He is replacing my heavy yoke of emotional burden and tiredness, and He is replacing it with His yoke...which is easy and light. He is giving me rest even in the long wait.
And I just LOVE how He spoke to me this morning in my Jesus Calling devotional today. It couldn't have been more perfect. I stopped and re-read the first sentence over and over again...
"COME TO ME with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in Me you are complete."
Complete. I just love that word. It give such peace and reassurance to my heart to rest in the knowledge that because of Christ, I am complete. Only through Him, I am complete. And that's really the beauty of Christmas time...God sent His one and only Son to Earth, so that we could be complete in Him.
And God has already been using the tragedy in CT to change my perspective in the wait. I couldn't stop crying Friday afternoon and evening as I watched the news coverage. I was completely heartbroken for the families who lost their precious children and loved ones. Having all three of our children in elementary school, it seemed to hit very close to home.
As of right now, our children have no idea what happened. But as they got off the school bus that afternoon, I couldn't help but smother them in hugs and kisses! And yesterday during church, I couldn't stop the tears as I held our sweet 1st grader's hand as we prayed. Trying to keep him quiet and still during the church service is always a fun challenge! :) But yesterday, it was pure JOY to take on that fun challenge. I couldn't help but think of the parents who would LOVE to be sitting in church with their wiggling, active 7 year old son.
Perspective...it's amazing how God can use one of the absolute worst tragedies to bring so much love. I just have to believe that millions of parents did exactly what we did this past weekend...just loved on their children and soaked in every precious minute with them, thanking God for them and praying for them. And all the while, whispering prayers for the grieving families of CT.
All afternoon Friday, I kept whispering, "Jesus, be near." In the midst of an evil and fallen world, the only thing good is to be near God. My heart kept repeating the verse from Psalm 73:28...
"The nearness of God is my good..."
I have also been whispering that prayer for our baby girl this weekend. "Jesus, be near her. Please Jesus, draw near to our baby girl. Jesus, please be near Caroline Faith...hold her, comfort her, protect her, love her and watch over her."
Only God knows how many more months we will wait for our daughter, but I am making a choice not to waste a single, precious minute of it. I have a dear friend, who is battling breast cancer, and her faith inspires me so much. We were texting back and forth the other day, and she said, "Even in the midst of all this I can't help but be amazed with the gift of life. And if I still have life God still has a purpose for it! Pray that I don't miss THAT!"
Wow. I have tears in my eyes just typing it. See why she inspires me!?!
And I couldn't agree with her more! Even in the midst of the long 27 month wait for our daughter, I can't help but be amazed with the gift of life...especially in light of what happened on Friday. And if we are still in this season of waiting on our daughter, then God still has a purpose for it!
Please pray that I don't miss that!
Sweet Baby Girl,
I am praying daily that Jesus will be so close to you that you can feel Him. I pray that you will never feel rejected, abandoned or unloved. I pray that His presence will be so sweet and full around you, that you only feel loved and cherished.
You ARE so loved and cherished, Caroline Faith. By your family and most of all, by your heavenly Father. He created you so special, and He loves you so much.
We pray that we can glorify Him in the long wait for you, and that we won't miss any of His purposes in the wait. We are praying for the day when we finally see your face, sweet girl.
Please know, little love, that we are missing you this Christmas but you are not forgotten. You have presents waiting to be unwrapped and a Christmas stocking hanging over the mantle right by your brother and sisters'. Praying that this will be the last Christmas we celebrate without you home.
Jesus, be near.
Hold on, baby girl. We love you and we're coming soon.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."