Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Redemption...Full Circle.

I just keep thinking about God's redemptive hand in my life's journey.   Jody tweeted something yesterday, and I just loved it.  He said this..."Looking back on Gods faithfulness to us in the past provides great encouragement for the "unknowns" we are facing today."

There is just so much truth to that.  Over the Christmas holidays, I was literally just driving down the road listening to the kids talking in the back seat when I was suddenly overcome with emotion.  I had tears in my eyes just thinking about what precious miracles that each of them are to us.

You see, years ago as a young teenager, I let the enemy start to get a foothold in my mind.  I was a believer, and I was trying my best to walk with the Lord.  But as almost every teenager faces at some point, I dealt with some rejection in a relationship, and I didn't cope in a very healthy way.

In fact, my little perfectionist self began to feel that if I were skinnier and prettier and had the "perfect body" then I would never feel rejection, and life would be right once more.  Well, these were obviously lies from the enemy, as I now know that my self-worth comes from Christ alone.  But at that time, I was believing a lie and because of that I began to make some very unhealthy choices.  

These choices led to some major weight loss, and I began to be eating and exercise obsessed.  When my mom finally caught on to what was going on (by one of my dearest friends going to her to tell her), she immediately took me to the doctor.  The doctor examined me and talked to me, and then determined that I was "on the road to an eating disorder."  

In that moment, I now see how God's hand was rescuing me.  He stopped me right before I got to a place of severe sickness.  I wasn't perfectly well in that moment, but He miraculously kept me from slipping any further.  I began going to weekly weigh-ins and began to put back on some of the weight I had lost.  I was finally getting back up to a healthy weight for my body.

However, as most people who have ever dealt with any type of disordered eating/exercise obsession know, it's very hard to get your mind back to where it was before.  The enemy was still always trying to fill my head with lies again...that I needed to eat less, work out more, be skinnier, be prettier.  And if I did all those things, then I would feel good about myself, be happy and be loved.

But as as child of God, I knew that those were not true, but sometimes it was hard not to fall back into the same unhealthy habits.  Over several years of ups and downs through high school and college, my body had been through a lot.  I had been told by the doctor that I would more than likely have difficulty getting pregnant and having children.  And that is where the fear of the unknown began.

I was still in college and was no where near ready to have children, but I began to fear that I would "pay the price" of my foolishness by not being able to bear children one day.  By the time Jody and I got married, I was in a much better place physically but there were still so many unknowns about our future as parents.  I can vividly remember one night weeping on our couch in our little apartment because I didn't know if I would ever be able to get pregnant.  

I had a choice.  I could either give in to my fears and continue to "beat myself up" about my past mistakes, or I could choose to trust in the Lord and in His plan for my life.  Thankfully, I made the right choice...I chose to move forward in trust.  And the Lord began to restore my heart and redeem my past.  It was such a beautiful time where I began to see myself as He sees me...treasured and loved.  The Lord was healing me, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too.  The enemy began to loose his grip in this area of my life, and I give God all the glory for that!  It was truly a miracle from Him!

And three of the most precious miracles from Him came (very close together!) over the next few years!  Yes, we had 3 beautiful, healthy children in 3 and a half years, and our life was so full.  I knew (and still know!) that I was a living testament to God's grace and mercy.  He had brought my life full circle and had brought about redemption.  

And that's what our Savior does.  He loves us through our failures and mistakes.  He rescues us from them, and then He restores and redeems.  And the end result is a beautiful miracle (or miracles!) from Him.

I have seen God's faithfulness in the past, and it does indeed provide encouragement for the unknowns that we face today. Years later, I again have a choice to make.  I can either give in to my fears or choose to trust in the Lord and His plan for our family.

I am choosing to trust Him.  And I hope and pray that we will soon see His full circle redemption over the years of waiting when we finally see the face of our daughter.

"Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption."
Psalm 130:7


leemeandthegirls said...

LOve this, Alison. Your heart is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story, even when it includes parts that are hard.

Lauren and Nick Miller said...

This is beautiful Alison. Thank you for being so open & honest. It's so encouraging!